An Open Letter to John McDonald RE: "Dancing With The Stars"

Kia ora John,

Apparently you have a vacancy on your programme after Kanoa Lloyd decided she didn’t “need to see a homophobic Pasodoble or a xenophobic Cha Cha.”

Now, we have to admit we don’t know what a Pasodoble is. But we do know xenophobia when we see it. Does that count? 

You see, TOP has great policies that would fundamentally cha-cha-change New Zealand for the better. Ideas that would waltz all over our housing crisis and environmental emergency. Policies so great they make us want to, um…. floss. 

What we lack to implement our policies is popularity. So, we formed a Popularity Research Team of Youth (PRETY) and they came across your programme. Apparently it is popular on the telly. Do you livestream as well? 

Anyway, the clincher was that you seem to have a slot set aside for D-grade politicians from minor parties. Have we got a deal for you! Sure, we haven’t been polling great, but then Hannah Tamaki hasn’t shown up in the polls at all. 

Our Leader Geoff Simmons lives by the adage “dance like nobody's watching”. This could be difficult to maintain on national TV, but then you did let David Seymour wear spandex. 

If you want someone who can actually move, how about our Ōhāriu candidate Jessica Hammond? She once came 2nd in an amateur Lower Hutt Cha Cha competition. She totally knows her way around a ballroom. It’s clockwise, right? 

If you are looking for controversy or someone for the audience to hate, have you heard about our plans to tax property the same as we do other investments? Surely that will upset your audience far more than xenophobia. 

Anyway, thanks for listening and considering our proposal. And remember: it takes TOP to tango. 

Ka kite,

Geoff, Jessica & the TOP team

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